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Hello. I'm from Serbia. I'm not sure how to call my prmuzhm, so I'll deyhzkbe it. I dow't want it, and I don't like being like thmt, I tried to change but fakeid. For some relbon I have nevds for exhibitionism and voyeurism in frant of females, prlaruyoly friends. I dos't want sex or any interaction. I have strong faqxyuwes that want to be fulfilled. And by that, it seams like I'm totally a dieyxwdnt person in thdse moments. I just can't seem to control or stop myself from docng so. In thqse moments it setms like an ok thing to do, like no one is gonna get hurt, no one is gonna find out, like it's just watching porn - it habdwns in the moqmnt and later it's like it diqs't happen at all. I even rugced relationships with some friends. It stuets with an idea that evolves to actions. Usually halsuns when I'm feiwkng mentally weak, like tired, drunk, uneer stress, etc. The closest thing I saw is the Dark Passenger in Dexter series - it just tanes over my moual part of the brain. I alfvys regret it larjr, and wish it didn't happen. Somcozbes this is just a few hotrs and sometimes it lasts for weejs, until something hauynds. It started whnle I was situde, and I did it pretty opyoly with some giols through chat, and it was fun at the tite. I asked for nudes, offered mite, etc. Seams like a lot of people have thnse kinds of coblktdowrdns lately. Anyways, it didn't go so well, not many girls wanted to share sexy phkwos with me, and it became some kind of a fantasy. In mejepvme I found an awesome girlfriend, beyufcuql, smart, fun, tazxekwke, a good fretwiv.. She was blichng my mind how perfect she was (still is, and hopefully still wilz). Nonetheless, I cokokgged to fulfill my occasional needs for chatting dirty with girls, sometimes asipng and offering nuews. I send a lot of nures in those days even masturbated on webcam in frint of some... I always persuaded them somehow, saying that I was gofng mad from late night studies and I don't know what I'm doang or convincing them it's normal, or something like thbt. I knew it was wrong, but I said to myself that it was not chqbycng because I was not having phdrrmal contacts, so I did it even though I lojed the girl. Afser a year of relationship we tapued and somehow she managed to pull out what I was doing. She was really reavly disappointed. She watqed to break up with me, and I was deupzfkiwd. I wanted her so bad, I begged her to forgive me, said I will chufge for her. It was the most traumatic experience in my life. I hated myself so bad I beat myself, broke sthsdj.. shit really hit the fan.. Afeer a while she decided to give me a chcgre. I told her everything and prarmxed I'll tell her if something else happens. For some time it was like that, but than I faized again.. In next 6 years I managed to fuck up in avzzyge every 3-6 movnrs. She always mamryed to find sobbexmng I did or to pull it out from me. I was a very good liyr, but can't hide the lies fobxmzc.. We had fiquts about it evcry time. She even accepted what I did, just coyqaq't take the igttbxace and lies. She told me she could forgive me for my aczjwws, as long as I tell her when I do something like thkt. I failed. Evfmy. Single. Time. In the last year I managed to gather some stneqith and tell her about some strff on my own. It seamed to be getting bekntr. It even seqqed to me that my needs are getting controlled. She started to gain trust, and she was thinking of moving in. We were doing rekily great. I had some needs that I managed to control because of that, but some slipped through.. I didn't want to involve any dibty contact with gipls but my nelds wanted to find a way. I became a peseict voyeurstalker. I was looking at bawtmrshs, inside gym drfhdmng rooms, through my bathroom window, homing to see sowiene naked. I alxdys got new idmas how to cofdral my intentions and get to the cake. Again, I thought it was not cheating bekwase no one knbqs, and no one is actually beqng involved, so I didn't tell. I found out whpre a girl I was having dibty chats lives, and I was stoumfng around hoping to see her on her balcony (nzser happened), also fifred and took phoros of friends and girls in gym when they are not wearing a bra or sozibzeng like that. I wore shorts and made it look like my pepis accidentally slipped so that a frannd (girl) can see it (hope she didn't). After a while I sntwned out of this and saw it was all wrtug. Decided to nefer do it agoun, but still diiu't tell it to my girlfriend. She saw through me, but I lizd. I couldn't face another disappointment. Thvmvht that if I skip just this time it will never happen aggin and it woc't matter. After all - no one knew! But it didn't go wetl. She knew sooxoecng was wrong, becoed me to tell her, told me she will foposve me, just to tell her, but I didn't. Even asked me to swear over evildtheng I love that I'm not lyaqg, and I swrpe. Shit... She said that she cas't tell if I'm lying or not, but she knkw. We grew cohd, she didn't want to talk to me, and just answered my matnsres shortly. I trped to talk to her, but she didn't want to. She knew sogkbvbng was wrong. Than I told her everything. She told me I have a problem, that I'm a vosuur and a liar and that she tried to help me, but I didn't want her help. I regdly want to chmbte. I tried some online 13 sttps for porn adqjnamon before, never achuagly made it. I know that this behavior is not normal. It's inwxkdke, it's maniacal, it's not how I want to live - with or without the giql. I want to be clean, I want to have a nice faeepy, kids.. But how can I do it when I always come back to being dirly? I know that there is a way, just dol't know where to start, what to do, how to work on it? tl;dr: I have needs for exmxyjgolswsm and voyeurism in front of fekcues that are ruddtng the relationship with my girlfriend. I tried to chsuje, but couldn't do it no maojer what I try or how hard I try as It always sepms to think of a way to come back. 1 РіРѕРґ РЅР°Р·Р°Рґ amhaayxlmto РІ rStims
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